Sunday, June 24, 2007

Failure

Along with everything else the Saturn-Neptune opposition delivered came a sense of personal failure. Not the kind based on rejection or lack of advancement, but the one driven by fluctuating confidence in my ability to guide my paradise through the real world unharmed. My artistic ideals. My mythic life. I've withheld the complete expression of my vision and body of work, waiting until I was ready and able to protect them successfully.
Now I'm uncertain if that time will ever come. I live in a complex organism, each person desiring something unique. If I exchange my talent for cash will my artistic integrity remain intact? Probably not entirely. Acceptance of this limitation is what I will learn now. Saturn's realism guiding Neptune's ideals. Giving them workable form.
Failure has been my ally so far, giving me time to develop myself unobstructed by the distractions of worldly success. In my life of late I've experienced a tiny fraction of acceptance and some genuine appreciation. But these are just part of the main act. As I go out as a performing artist I realize that no amount of praise, or even money, will change the primary search for a different kind of embrace. I wonder if sustained self enchantment is a real possibility, with all of the not-so-tiny flaws.

I won't know until I do, and the pages keep turning.

12 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

My Aries is certainly self-enchanted. @;-)

She doesn't doubt any action she takes, she lives 100% in the now. It's one reason I send her out into the field whenever I can. She needs to roam, she needs to interact, she needs to make decisions on the spot. She needs to taste life immediate.

And oh, does she experience failure. :-)

But the thing is, she brings her failures home to me to sort through. She gets enough lessons out of them to not make as many mistakes, but mistakes are part of her being, her experience, so she's known to make the same one over and over again.

What she's taught me is the value of "Thine own Self be true."

My Aries, believe it or not, isn't burdened with ego. She just IS.

It's the rest of me that sifts and sorts and creates piles and ceremonies around experience and intention.

I wish I could be with Aries all the time, but I can't. @;-)

24/6/07 5:40 AM  
Blogger Tseka said...

@;-)
well said, sige
----
And, we who listen, read, and otherwise receive the gift of the artist are part of the process. Our encouragement or rejection are the signposts on the path. Mapping. The journey starts in self but travels though the "other".
The snubs and wounds are sometimes best ignored as they are often a reflection of the "others" incompletion. Sometimes they are gifts that help us grow. It isn't always easy to see which is which.

24/6/07 6:37 AM  
Anonymous Joe said...

That's true, Tseka. I just spent most of a weekend with my wacky family. I see so many chances to take offense or be annoyed by the behavior of someone or other, but as you say, these behaviors "are often a reflection of the 'others' incompletion."

I have been reading "The Power of Intention" by Dr. Wayne Dyer and there's a section about how people we meet or are related to are there to teach us something, and we can either get huffy or bless them for showing us something about ourselves.

Fortunately I read this book before I arrived for the weekend! :^)

Great discussion over at Jazzrap between you and jm, BTW.

24/6/07 6:48 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tseka, no, it isn't always easy to see which is which. :-) The hall of mirrors can become dizzy. To contain the many images in the one. To accept that multitude of you/us is all in one's own little finger. The very little I know of astrology has come from JM, and the bits I've gathered from her is the multitude in the one, which is alignment with what I find in poetry. We are in the sand and the tree and in every story and yet we are as unique as any random snowflake.

I know enough about parts of myself to be satisified, and also know there are parts of myself still a mystery, which also satifyies me, because there is more to learn. And what would I do without something to learn?!! Curl up and be bored to silliness.

Personally, I love the bounce off of images and story and symbol. I remember when I discovered I was Cinderella. How I embraced that victim role! How I laughed to see myself so clearly! How much I've treasured ash since that day. Ash makes me smile. I remember. I had to be fire, I had to be ash. There was no other way.

And JM would tell me it's my Pluto in Neptune or Saturn, and I'd marvel how she can read the heavens, when it is still such a mystery to me!

~~sige

24/6/07 11:50 AM  
Blogger jm said...

Perfectly put on Aries Sige. Aries just IS and just DOES.

I wish I could be with Aries all the time, but I can't. @;-)

I can try, being an Aries rising. The way you say it makes me want to be.

I know enough about parts of myself to be satisified, and also know there are parts of myself still a mystery, which also satifyies me, because there is more to learn

I'm glad you're recovering from your boohooness. You're in top form.

24/6/07 1:51 PM  
Blogger jm said...

And, we who listen, read, and otherwise receive the gift of the artist are part of the process. Our encouragement or rejection are the signposts on the path. Mapping.

I will go. "part of the process".

The snubs and wounds are sometimes best ignored as they are often a reflection of the "others" incompletion. Sometimes they are gifts that help us grow. It isn't always easy to see which is which.

Probably don't need to see which is which.

So uplifting. Wise.

24/6/07 1:59 PM  
Blogger jm said...

Joe, glad you are enduring the challenges! Lots of stuff on your SN in Cancer now.

24/6/07 2:02 PM  
Blogger jm said...

The hall of mirrors can become dizzy.

So says sige.
Great thought. Like the Funhouse mirrors sometimes!

24/6/07 2:04 PM  
Blogger jm said...

Joe, we were alight last night. It's so good to have the cave full of animated conversation again.

This is a quiz? Multiple choice.
Are we happy to have tseka back from her journey?

a.Yes.
b.Yes.
c.Infinite yesses.

For anyone interested in a fantastc talk about gender identification here it is.

24/6/07 2:57 PM  
Blogger Tseka said...

so silly. but thanks,
it was a fine night of conversations on the patio. I've missed them.

24/6/07 6:11 PM  
Blogger jm said...

It dawned on me during a conversation with my beloved Saturn in Sagittarius girlfriend this evening.

The gender separation is largely physical due to procreative needs, and maintained for this job. those of us in cyberspace are less concerned about the physical or we wouldn't be here.

Could this be why we are more gender unified within?

24/6/07 7:14 PM  
Anonymous sige said...

"C" :-) :-) :-)

25/6/07 4:06 AM  

<< Home